Congratulations! You’ve been nominated for an Oscar, or at least have the right connections to get inside the Dolby Theater on Sunday night for the 86th Academy Awards. Either way, you’ll be making all your close friends and family quietly resent you forever as you proudly walk the red carpet and take your seat alongside the most beautiful, creative and coolest people in the world.
But there’s a catch: You’ve been given a “plus one,” and must choose a date (or wingman) to accompany you for the most surreal evening of your life. So who will it be? Here are your nominees…
Your Wife
Needless to say, if you have a wife, you have to bring her. If you’d rather bring someone else, you can’t, because you have a wife. If your wife is a social liability you’re embarrassed to introduce to influential people, then take a deep breath and a shot of your favorite whiskey, because it’s going to be a long night.
Your Fiancée
“Hey, so you know how I made that massive emotional and financial commitment to you a couple months back? You remember: The one about devoting the rest of my life to you and your happiness? Unfortunately, that commitment will not include being my date to the Oscars. Sorry for any confusion. Love you!”
Yeah, good luck with that one — you absolutely need to bring her, unless you have the balls to say, “Who do you think you are, my wife?”
Your Girlfriend
OK, you aren’t married or engaged yet — are you still obligated to bring your woman?
It really comes down to this: How much do you like your girlfriend? Is it a lot? Like, a lot a lot? Is this someone who lights up your entire life in the most positive way imaginable, or did you meet her on Tinder at 3 a.m. this morning? Perhaps it’s both?
Your call, big dog, but don’t make it carelessly. We can’t imagine many relationships surviving an Oscar Night snub.
Your Mother
If you have neither a wife nor a fiancée nor a girlfriend, your mother is not only the obvious option — it’s the “warm America’s heart” option. “Aw, he brought his mom! She’s so cute! Any preconceived notions I had about this famous person’s lack of empathy or wholesomeness just completely vaporized!,” etc.
Something to consider, however, in case you’re invited back next year: The innate level of creepiness gradually escalates each time you bring your mother to the ceremony. The first year you do it, you’re a grateful son. The fifth year you do it, the question of incest arises. Keep that in mind.
Your Buddy
If you’re comfortable with your boy casually tailing you in an oversize tux, looking awkward and lost, and perhaps jumping into Carson Daly’s shot for an unscheduled interview, then sure, go for it. But if he gets kicked out for hitting on an A-list actress, then you’re getting ejected with him. (Although, to be fair, your wife/fiancée/girlfriend/mom would probably spend the whole night slobbering over Clooney.)
Photo Credit: ebbandflowphotography/Flickr
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